To My Fellow Stepmoms
Updated: Sep 29, 2022
Lets talk Step Parenting…
I have been a stepmom officially for 3 years now, but have been in my stepsons life for almost 6 years. Before I get too far let me just tell you it is so much easier now than it was in the beginning and my love for him grows more and more everyday and I’m always excited once its time for him to come back to us. So stay in faith if you are at a point where you are
struggling. I want to share some of the questions people ask me.
Question #1: What is the hardest part about being a stepmom?
Where do I start. First of all I am very blessed. My stepson is an AMAZING kid, and his mom and her entire family have always been good to us.
The hardest part was learning how my husband and I should parent him. I come from a very structured and strict upbringing, so naturally I am very aware and prompt to discipline. My husband has a much more relaxed approach. Boy did we have a season where we really struggled and were constantly fighting. I am happy to say we have both grown so much and that is partly due to marital counseling, which I HIGHLY recommend. If you are struggling inside of parenting I encourage you to seek counseling ASAP.
I believe that kids are kids. They are not at fault for struggles within the family. (Read on to see my tips for what to do if the child doesn’t like you, oh and check out my full video on this topic here) Its good to have an outside point of view because they can put things in a different way so that you and your spouse are better able to understand each other.
If you are struggling I encourage you to commit this verse to memory and remember that God LOVES children. He expects you to love and care deeply for any child that he has placed in your care.
“And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.”
Matthew 18:5-6 NLT
Question #2: How do you handle drama between parents?
We have not had to deal with this and here is why I believe.
I stay out of the middle. I allow my husband and my stepsons mom to make decisions between themselves. Yes, my husband and I discuss what we believe is best, but after that I do not get involved.
Also, I have never talked badly about her. If I tried could I find something negative to say? Probably… and I’m SURE she could find lots of negative things to say about me. But the only person that really gets hurt is the child. And lets all remember that they had no choice in this.
Please know that even if something is TRUE, it does not mean that it needs to be said!
“Sometimes (our mouths) praise our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!”
James 3:10 NLT
From day one I was well aware and made the decision to be a stepmom. So if you ever find yourself complaining that it may be hard, just remember you chose this. And yes it may be hard at times, but that parenting period. Which brings meet my next point.
NEVER TALK BADLY ABOUT THE OTHER PARENTS INVOLVED. ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. NEVER!!!!! Goodness its like- do we really even have to talk about this!!!?? We’ve got to come to a place were we can grow up and be the bigger person. My dad always told me- You don’t have to like someone- but you do have to show RESPECT. Say hello and goodbye. That is showing respect. Swallow your pride and do what is best for the sake of the child.
PLEASE people lets start teaching our kids this. SHOW RESPECT TO EVERYONE. Even if you don’t agree with them. Even if you’re a democrat and they are a republican… God forbid… We should still SHOW RESPECT! It saddens me to see how people treat each other nowadays. Lets do better guys. Lets be the generation that parents so well that we turn this world around!
Squirrel! Sorry about my rant lets get back to the subject. Here is what the Bible says
Ephesians 4:29 (NCV) “When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need — words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.”
It may take you work, but there is always something good to say about someone. Swallow your pride and do it. Take initiative. Ask your stepchild how their mom is doing. Ask them how they like their work, etc. Get involved, show you care. That is their parent!
Watch your tongue. This takes effort and action. “And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.”
James 3:6 NLT
Question #3: What do you do if your stepchild doesn’t like you?
This one can be really hard and I am very sorry if this is your case. You can only do your best. You cannot control what other people do, you can only control what you do. Know that if you keep choosing to do what is right and keep moving forward, God is proud of you and He will bless you. Here are a few tips if you are struggling with this…
1: Be their friend.
Depending on their age there may not be much room for you to try to discipline. Plus, discipline wont be effective if there is not a relationship to build on. Work on befriending them and then there will come a point where they will be open to your wise counsel. One of my aunts told me- get him out of bed one night and make him and ice cream sundae! Find ways to have fun! Board games! Dance parties! Joke books! Create laughter in your home.
My stepson wanted to buy a video game with his birthday money the other day. He told me he was going to ask his dad when he got home if he could take him to the store and my husband told him no-maybe another day. So I took advantage of the opportunity to befriend and bond with my stepson and took him myself! It was awesome! Look for opportunities…
2: If you have the relationship to where you can discipline them. Do so.
“Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.”
Proverbs 13:24 NLT
I told my aunt that I was struggling with disciplining my stepson because I didn’t feel like I had the right. She told me that she has a friend and that you would never be able to tell the difference between her stepchildren and her biological children. She said she disciplines them and loves them all the same! What a great compliment! I pray all of us stepparents are seen this way! My aunt then added, you do not want him to grow up and wonder- she never disciplined me like that and realize that you treated him differently.
3: Pray with them!
My stepson gets excited when we read the Bible with him and pray with him before bed. Pray about them in front of them. Say thank you God that this child is with us, our family isn’t complete without him. If you struggle with how to pray or how to have relationship with God read this blog.
Lets wrap this up. Bottom line is God has blessed you. He has placed these children in your care and He expects you to love them well and bring them up in His ways.
Heavenly Father I pray for the person reading this. I pray you make it easy and natural for them. I pray that you create a strong bond between the stepparent and the stepchild. I pray for laughter and love to fill the home. I pray that You help us to place You at the center of our homes and help our hearts to always seek you. Help us to do what is right even when its hard. I ask this in Jesus name, AMEN.